The Anatomy of a Cat

For vet trips and other medical situations, obviously the medical terminology for your cat’s body parts are the best words to use. But this is the internet and we’re all cat ladies, our actual genders irrelevant. Cats are ridiculously adorable floofs and we have a need for these far more appropriate terms for their body parts.

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Scritch Place: the space behind a cat’s ears, which is the best place to scritch your cat.

Ear Floof: all of the lovely long hairs inside your cats ears, presumably to make them extra cute.

Mane: the longer fur around your cats cheeks, just like a lion’s mane.

Boop: the soft, skin-coloured part of your cat’s nose, which is a perfect little button to press and say “boop”.

Blep: any part of your cat’s tongue that is currently sticking out of their mouth, especially if their mouth is closed.

Toofs: the super-cute little fangs that your cat shows you when they yawn.

Toe Beans: your cat’s toe pads, looking like little cattwojelly beans.

Peets: the cute little feet of your cat, made of soft pads for their sole and toe beans.

Sassy Pants: the extra fluffy floof that is your cat’s thighs, and looks like a pair of pantaloons.

Belly: the whole underside of your cat, all soft fluffiness and highly tempting to rub vigorously.

Nope: any part of your cat’s underside that they attack you for petting, named for your cat’s attitude to you touching it.

Bingo Wings: just like the sassy pants, the fluffy thigh/upper arm part of your cat’s front legs, like the loose skin older people often get but much cuter.

Bib: most easily identified on tuxedo cats, who have white fur there, the part of your cats chest that’s still visible when they sit up tall.

 

 

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Seven Fun Things to Call Your Period

“I’m on my period.” Boring! Liven up your calendar and conversation with these far more fun things to call your period. Rather than being ranked, as they’re all pretty great, they’re in alphabetical order.

Communism:

This is just a crass reference to the use of red symbolism in communism and the redness of blood. It’s fun to use whether you’re pro- or anti-communist, though, as drawing a hammer and sickle on the calendar or saying that the communists are in power aren’t positive or negative in themselves.

Dishonourable Discharge from the Uterine Navy

It’s a bit of a sentence, but it makes what is literally happening sound like being fired from the military. You can drop the ‘dishonourable’ part if you’d prefer, and draw boats on the calendar.

Laying an Egg

As well as uterine lining, a period if disposing of that months unfertilised egg. Saying you’re laying an egg is tenuously true, even if it’s not laying as such and there’s only an egg if you’re currently fertile, and brings up the image of you as a giant chicken. Win-win.

MANstruation:

A great pun for trans men, as it’s not just the ladies who menstruate, this reinforces your gender and un-feminises your period. Other silly transmasculine puns include “duderus” and “brovaries”, and all require you to smirk a bit when you say them.

Moon:

A bit of a hippy one, to be fair. A moon cycle is around 28 days, just like the average menstrual cycle, and there’s some incomplete evidence that the moon can effect mood and menstruation just as its gravity effects the tides.

Pants Week:

Depending on what menstrual products you use, your period means you can’t go commando or wear boxers, thongs or other underwear bottoms without the right shape. Call them pants, briefs or knickers, this is the week you have to wear them.

Shark Week:

Like the Discovery channel’s week of special programmes, you mark off on your calendar for the blood and panic. Alternatively, a diagram of a shark’s brain is coincidently the same basic shape as a diagram of vagina, uterus and ovaries. Make of that what you will.